A Squick of Reading
by SecretKeeper1095
Summary: I'm trying my hand at fluff! :D This is just another drabble series, featuring whatever pops into my head when I'm bored: some humorous, some sad, some sweet... and a few crack stories thrown in for good measure. R&R makes me happy :D T just in case
1. A Squick of Reading

WARNING: slight spoilers for "Uglies" and "Pretties" below. You have been warned.

Disclaimer: not Scott Westerfeld. This chapter would be awkward if I was him :P

Deryn hates goodbyes.

The family was leaving after a day visit- the youngest great-grand kids still at an age where they placed big, sloppy kisses on Alek and Deryn's cheeks. The twins raced each other out to the car, giggling.

Their parents, Deryn's granddaughter and her husband, squeezed Deryn's hands and thanked her and Alek for putting up with the rowdy crew again.

The oldest great-granddaughter, Lillit, was hugging them goodbye as well when suddenly, her eyes lit up.

"Wait! I almost forgot! I'll be right back!" she tore out the front door, down to the car parked in the driveway. She brought back a box of books.

"I remember that last time you said you get bored when no one's visiting," she explained, her fourteen-year old flushed face beaming at Deryn and Alek sitting, amused, in their wheelchairs, "so I brought you some books. The girl in the series has all sorts of cool adventures. She sounds just like you, Grandma Deryn."

Deryn smiled, "How nice of you, Lillit! I look forward to reading them!"

"Does she get in all sorts of trouble?" asked Alek.

Lillit grinned and nodded. So much like her namesake.

"Excellent! Sounds just like your grandmother!"

Deryn still loved the sound of his voice, even after all these years. Even when he's teasing her.

Lillit leaves; Alek and Deryn settle in for a quiet evening.

Alek attends to some correspondence- they still keep up with what's left of the Society, although the remaining members mostly view the old couple as relics of another age.

Deryn finishes a letter to one of their daughters, a boffin working in southern India on new anti-venoms.

Then she wheels her chair (a technology that Alek improved back when Count Volger and Dr. Barlow began needing them) over to the box of books Lillit brought, pulling out the top one.

"Uglies," she read. She looked at it dubiously- it didn't look like any sort of adventure book. More like a book on how to apply makeup, or some other girly thing.

But she had nothing else to do; she began to read.

Alek sits next to her, holding her hand as he reads some dry political book.

This is how it has always been, Deryn yearning for adventure and Alek continuing his princely education even now.

They breathe in synchrony. Alek rubs her knuckles, tracing ridges and scars that he has memorized long ago.

Deryn is convinced that their hearts beat together. The years of _chemistry_ between them… how could their hearts beat to anything but the same music?

Four hours later, Alek turned in for the night. Deryn started on "Pretties," book number two. She was much too engrossed in the story to be able to sleep now.

By midnight she couldn't keep her eyes open any more; she wasn't as young as she used to be, and no matter how interesting the book was, she couldn't stay up any longer.

The next morning, Alek gave her a dumbfounded look: she was reading before breakfast!

"Any good?" he asked, munching on some bacon.

"Mmmhmmm."

"Must be. You skipped _food_."

Deryn didn't deign to answer. Zane and Tally had just been captured by the Specials (apparently Shay was a Special now). Alek could tease her until he was hoarse for all she cared.

She finished "Pretties" with a contented sigh. She reached for "Specials" but was stopped by Alek, daft boy. (yes, he was still a boy in her mind, despite their years of marriage and raising their five children together)

"You need to eat and take your medicine," he said gently, but with strength.

He should know better than to interrupt her when she was concentrating- but, to please him, she did as he asked.

"Specials" and "Extras" were finished by the end of the day. It was Saturday, no one was visiting that day.

"I like this Tally character," said Deryn conversationally, knowing that Alek never minded when she spoiled books for him. He even liked getting her opinion on things before he read them.

"She doesn't take yackum from anyone. And the writer must have met Count Volger to get the evil Dr. Cable just right."

Alek gave her an arch look. She and Volger had never ended up being friends- their personalities had always been at odds.

"Well, the technology isn't very realistic- there aren't even any fabricated beasties! It's in an alternate reality or something. Though it does have hover boards. A little old-fashioned, running off of magnets!"

"Anyways, I don't know who this Scott Westerfeld is, but he should write another book! He's plumb amazing."

**A/N:**

**Plotless one-shot and drowning in fluff! So uncharacteristic of me :P **

**Yes, Deryn, HE SHOULD KEEP WRITING SO WE CAN ALL READ YOUR STORY. Ahem.**

**Anyways... Trying to write chapters 9 and 10 of The Last Mission is proving to be about as productive as beating my head against a wall; with a similar headache resulting.**

**So this chapter is just for fun! Better than nothing- or maybe worse than nothing, I don't know.**

**Aaaannnndddd I told myself I wouldn't bore you all with a long author's note, but this chapter does need a little explaining.**

**First off, I don't _think_ that this idea has been written about before, but I may be wrong. If there is another story about this here, sorry! I'm not going off anyone else's work (except writing Scott Westerfeld's awesome characters)**

**Second, the timing is all messed up. I know. Scott-la published "Uglies" in 2005 and he finished the series with "Extras" in 2007. So Deryn and Alek would have to have been at least 108 years old. **

**So you can pick the explanation:**

**science is so advanced by now that the life expectation is a lot older than it is now. So it's not really too strange that Alek and Deryn are over a hundred.**

**Westerfeld wrote the series earlier in this alternate dimension... Like in the 1980s or 1990s**

**and Deryn are just awesome incarnate; OBVIOUSLY they would live longer than normal.**

**, time traveling? I'm out of ideas here...**

**So pick one. Or multiple; I don't care. Or possibly just decide that this is terrible fluffy stuff and not worth reading this extremely author's note. Which may very well be longer than the actual story. :P**


	2. Babysitting

**First off, to my reviewers: ummm, wow. Thanks guys. I can't believe someone thought my super super fluffy story was at least slightly entertaining, but there you go. Unexpected but cool. :D Here's chapter two for y'all**

Deryn tries her hand at babysitting…. And cooking

Mrs. Snodgrass peers over her glasses at the tall, thin girl standing nervously in front of her.

She was starting to regret asking the girl to watch her children. The Snodgrass family was one of the more elegant families in town; at least, they liked to think that they were fashionable. She normally had a very nice girl, a former etiquette teacher, come and nanny her little darlings, but the poor lady had a rather bad cold.

This girl, Deryn, had a tired, somewhat defeated air about her. But she had to be nice, Mrs. Snodgrass reminder herself; the poor girl had just lost her father less than a year ago.

"Deryn! So nice of you to come on such short notice! I've asked all around and no one else could babysit today."

"Aye, ma'am. Couldn't forget what you did for our family after the funeral." The girl bowed her head. "Ma says to say thank you again for all the meals you brought."

There wasn't a lot Mrs. Snodgrass could say to that. "Glad that I could help," was all she could manage.

There was a short, awkward silence. Then Mrs. Snodgrass cleared her throat. "So- I'll be back in a few hours. I just have a few important calls to make downtown. Catriona and Brenda are playing upstairs. You remember them, right? You all get along well?"

"Yes."

"Lovely." Mrs. Snodgrass picked up her hat and settled it on her head, adjusting her gloves. She tried to look anywhere but at the girl.

"The girls are old enough to know the routine. They can help you with anything you need. I will be back before bed time."

Deryn shifted again and nodded. She watched the woman sweep out of the house, head held fashionably- or perhaps just snobbily- high against the typical Glaswegian cold.

…

Deryn let out a breath she hadn't known she was holding. Now to go see the girls.

They were sweet, demure girls, almost always perfectly behaved.

Barking _boring_ girls. It would be a long few hours.

The neighborhood generally considered Deryn to be an unfit nanny. She was too wild, too unpredictable to be considered a good example for young children. Mrs. Snodgrass had to have been quite desperate to hire her.

Deryn shared the same view as the neighborhood; she hated babysitting. But they needed the money, after her da's death.

She headed up to the girls' room, grumbling about how one couldn't take the stairs two at a time in long skirts.

She found the girls sitting on the floor of their room, playing with dolls.

Perfectly curled hair, tied up with ribbons.

Perfect, spotless white dresses bedecked with bows and frills.

Blisters, too much perfect.

"Hello girls."

"Are you our babysitter, Miss Deryn?" asked Brenda.

"Aye- I mean, yes." She'd have to remember to use formal language around this family.

"We're hungry," said Catriona, sniffing up her nose as if she doubted that Deryn was capable of procuring anything edible.

"Ummm," Deryn wasn't sure she could cook something that wouldn't turn out toxic either.

"Let me go… check the kitchen." No one at home even trusted her to make porridge.

The girls followed her downstairs. "What do you normally have for lunch?"

"Porridge." Blisters. Porridge it was, then.

An hour later, the two amused girls helped Deryn finally spoon out some pathetic-looking watery porridge, gulping it down quickly (it tasted ghastly).

"Now we clean up!" chirped Brenda.

Deryn looked around the kitchen. It was a disaster. She had discovered that while you cannot burn water, you can melt (and ruin) the pot you are trying to boil water in.

Also, flour tends to be a very messy substance. As in, _what's the wallpaper color supposed to be again_? Deryn really couldn't tell under all the white powder.

She made a decision. "Let's leave it for later."

The girls looked scandalized, but then Catriona grinned. Slipping her hand into Deryn's (floury) own, she said, "I like you, Miss Deryn."

Deryn, who was feeling rather short after the cooking fiasco, was surprised. She squeezed Catriona's hand back.

"How about a story?"

They decided to go back up to the girls' room, after hastily cleaning themselves up.

The two girls settled politely on the floor around Deryn, looking up at her expectantly.

Deryn cleared her throat. "There once was a girl named Mulan."

"Was she a princess?" broke in Brenda.

"No."

"Why not?"

Deryn spluttered, "Because princesses are _boring_, that's why. Only commoners do anything _interesting_."

"Oh." Apparently Brenda was satisfied with this explanation.

"How about princes? Are there any princes?" apparently Catriona was determined to have some royalty in this story.

Deryn let out an exasperated spy. "No, but there is an emperor."

Now Catriona is content too.

"As I was saying, there once was a girl named Mulan. She dressed up as a boy to save her father…"

"Mother says that girls should always dress as ladies," says Brenda, primly.

"Well, Mulan had to dress up as a soldier, to save her father's life. And she ended up being a barking good soldier too! She served aboard…. aboard the Leviathan," Deryn picked one of the famous Darwinist ships to give the old story a modern twist.

"She ended up saving all of England too…"

As Deryn retold the story she had read a few days ago, the two girls grew stiller and stiller, hanging on to her every word. She smiled. Who knew babysitting could be so much fun?

…

Mrs. Snodgrass returned several hours later to find her house in disarray. The kitchen was a mess. Flour coated the walls, looking as though a bomb had gone off.

And there was a misshapen… thing…. that somewhat resembled her pot. Some of it was still stuck to the oven.

She searched the whole house in trepidation, wondering what state her offspring would be in when she found them.

They were outside, in the cold, muddy backyard. Granted, they did have on their coats, but they were both coated in mud, as though they had fallen several times into the large puddle they were standing by.

And they had long sticks in their hands.

And they were hitting each other with said sticks.

"Take that, heartless Clanker!" shouted Brenda to Catriona, evidently reenacting some war story.

"Not so fast, you Darwinist scum," Catriona brandished her stick and dramatically, thrusting her tree branch into Brenda's side.

Mrs. Snodgrass almost fainted away. Her children were playing war games! Her sweet little girls were pretending to kill each other!

"Stop at once! Girls, put down those sticks! Deryn! What is the meaning of this?"

"We are playing Mulan, ma," said Catriona. "It's a _splendid_ game. We get to dress up as boys and kill our enemies with swords!"

"You can't play war games!" shrieked Mrs. Snodgrass. She turned to Deryn. "You! I suppose you are the meaning of this! Get out of my house!"

Brenda and Catriona put up a fuss at once. "Ma!" they shrieked in unison.

"Don't send her away-"

"She's ever so much fun to play with-"

"She's a terrible cook, but that's okay-"

"We don't mind-"

"She's much better than Mrs. Duff-"

Mrs. Snodgrass held up a hand, silencing them. She turned back to Deryn.

"Miss Sharp, you have a lot of explaining to do…"

**A/N: aaaaannnnddd you can fill in the rest of the scene however you like! **

**I got this idea today while doing some babysitting myself and I thought to myself: **

**_HAHA! Deryn babysitting_! I just can't see her doing something like that.**

**And then I thought, _ehh, why not_? So there you go.**

**I'm enjoying doing drabbles. There's a lot more freedom.**

**I have an idea for at least one more chapter, (a funny one) so I might put that up soon-ish.**

**I was looking up Scottish surnames, and I ran across Snodgrass. And I just had to use it. How can you resist using a name like Snodgrass? *NO OFFENCE TO ANYONE INTENDED***

**Brenda is apparently Norse for 'sword'**

**Catriona (pronounced Katrina) means 'pure'**

**Review if you feel like it:**


	3. Crack Movie Drabbles

**Crack Movie Drabbles!**

**Okay, so everyone is doing iPod Drabbles... Which are great… But I wanted to do something a little different. **

**So, prompt: (sort of) pick ten movies (I cheated and only did 8) and write a story about a theme, quote, or scene that could possibly, conceivably, or maybe only a little be related to the Leviathan series.**

**And because I didn't really have a time-constraint, I limited them all to under 300 words (mostly). And I wrote all of these in under an hour.**

**So here you go...**

**Oh yeah, these are kind of confusing because they are all at random times pre- books, during-books, and post- books. Or just alternate universe. Explanations at the bottom.**

1. The Man Who Knew Too Little

"Alek"

"Dylan"

"Alek, how can you have been through all of this... Overthrowing the sultan... And you still haven't figured it out?"

"Figured what out?"

"My secret!"

"Well you haven't told me it, yet!"

"That's why it's barking called a secret! Come on! Even Volger knows!" he glared at Alek, then turned his back, crossing his arms.

Alek was so confused. He watched Dylan's heaving shoulders. What on earth could Dylan possible be talking about?

He wondered at all the secrets in the world. He knew too little.

2. Star Wars V: Empire Strikes Back

"You murdered my father and mother in Sarajevo! How could you?" Alek screamed at the hooded man, anger and hate burning through him. Count Volger had told Alek himself- this man had indeed assassinated Alek's parents, starting this whole war.

Alek's gut twisted. This was his _enemy_.

They were at a standoff- both had pistols pointed at the other's head, waiting for someone to make a move.

"No." The man's eerily deep and somewhat familiar voice rumbled as he tore off his hood; revealing the Archduke Ferdinand. He was laughing maniacally, "I AM your father!"

"NOOOOOOOOOO!"

3. The Ultimate Gift

"If you're watching this, I must be dead."

Alek sat in the movie room, watching the late Emperor Franz Joseph's face projected on the screen in front of him.

"I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, but you're the one I think I hurt the most."

_Killing his parents... Making Alek an outcast his whole life..._ Yes, the Emperor had hurt Alek a lot.

"But how to leave you anything, without ruining you, like your aunts and uncles?"

_?_

"So I'm leaving you a gift, a series of gifts, leading up to, well... I want to call it the Ultimate Gift."

"Barking spiders, Alek!" shouted Deryn. "You might actually get to be the next Emperor after all!"

4. Meet the Robinsons

"Dylan, Dylan I can't do this anymore. It's too hard. I miss them too much."

Alek felt like a ninny, but it was true. Volger was no comfort against the loss of his parents. As weak as he felt, he couldn't help letting Dylan know how he felt.

He could feel Dylan shifting his weight awkwardly, gazing down at the sobbing prince on the floor of his cabin aboard the Leviathan. Then Dylan sighed, "I know how you feel. I miss my da too."

Dylan sat down next to Alek, giving him an awkward one-armed hug.

The friends sat in silence for a while, sharing their grief.

Dylan wiped his eyes with the heels of his hands. "You- You've got to just keep moving. Keep moving forward, aye? It's the only thing that helps."

Alek nodded. It did help. Not much, but a little.

5. Up!

Ten- year old Alek sat in his bed, reading, trying to keep his mind off the arm he had broken earlier that day. He closed the book and sighed. That girl...

He had met an amazing girl today. She was wonderful- vibrant, alive, happy. She wanted to be a pilot, just like him.

A pilot... such a perfect job for her. She belonged in the air. She deserved to fly.

A big, blue balloon floated into his room, nearly knocking into him. Deryn popped her head up over his windowsill, having climbed up the big oak outside his window.

He gaped at her. His young heart beat faster at the sight of her, her fuzzy short hair sticking up every which direction, several teeth missing from her smile.

She was perfect, and he was in love.

The next thing he knew, they were sitting on his floor inside a fort she had built, looking at her adventure book.

"I ripped this picture out of a library book!" she was telling him. He gasped. How daring!

"I want to go here- Paradise Falls. It's in South America. It's like America, but _south_."

He could easily picture her in the jungle. He imagined her skipping through the trees, making friends with the wildlife and sleeping under the stars.

"Promise me you'll take me there! We'll fly! Cross your heart!"

He hastily crossed, mentally vowing to himself that he would take her there- whatever happened.

She left, satisfied, and he sighed as he watched her go. What a girl.

He perked up. Why, he was going to marry her!

6. Robots

*SNAP!*

A camera was shoved in Alek's face, the flash momentarily making him blind.

He was escaping from the Leviathan into the chaos of Istanbul. When one is running for his life, one does _not_ want one's picture taken.

Count Volger would be furious.

"What are you doing?" he spluttered into the face of the photographer, a tacky-looking man who looked like a reporter.

"I'm Eddie Malone," said the man in an American accent, "and that'll be fifty bucks."

"Fifty bucks!" cried Alek, indignant. He wasn't sure exactly how much American dollars were worth, but it sounded like a lot. "For what?"

"I've captured your first moment in the big city!" he snapped another picture. "That'll be another fifty bucks."

"I don't want any pictures!"

"Oh, that's okay, there's no film in the camera."

7. Twilight

Dr. Barlow had been hoping that her fellow boffin had been joking.

No such luck. "The first human fabrication I created. I named him Edward. He has the strength of a bull, the speed of a cheetah, and the looks of a human."

"And the sparkling skin?"

"That was just an added benefit."

The fabrication walked up to them in the enclosure- grinning madly at Dr. Barlow. She took an involuntary step back. Dr. Bennett had assured her that the creature was safe, but she wasn't sure.

"Bella?" asked the... thing.

Dr. Barlow nudged Dr. Bennett, not trusting herself to speak.

He shrugged. "That's what he calls everyone. He's not very smart."

Just then, another fabrication burst out of the forest. This was a rather normal-looking wolf.

Dr. Barlow was a little relieved- maybe the wolf would eat this abomination in front of her.

Then the wolf transformed into a human. She was instantly nervous again.

"Ahh, this is my other human fabrication, named Jacob. He's got lupine life threads. He and Edward don't get along very well."

Jacob walked up to Dr. Barlow, taking her hand even as she flinched.

"Bella," he sighed.

Dr. Bennett sighed. "He's not very smart, either."

Edward seemed to take offense at Jacob and Dr. Barlow's hand-holding (so did Dr. Barlow) and growled at the wolf-human fabrication.

"MY Bella!" he shouted gruffly.

"MY Bella!" thundered Jacob.

Dr. Barlow did not much like being shouted over as though she were a possession, but she felt that interrupting may possibly result in her ending up in more than one piece. Best not to irritate super-strength human fabrications.

Luckily, Jacob let go of her hand at this moment, moving off to challenge Edward.

Within moments, Jacob had transformed back into a wolf, and the two creatures were going after each other's throats.

Dr. Bennett gave a yelp, glaring at Dr. Barlow as if this were her fault. "My life's work!" he screeched, running towards the two fabrications, perhaps to attempt to stop their fighting.

Dr. Barlow took this moment to flee.

(Okay, this one was 350 words. I cheated a little. But it was my favorite to write. *heh* sorry Twilight fans)

8. Tangled

The burglar pressed himself against the bushes outside the house, peering in their kitchen window.

It was early evening, and the tall, thin, golden-haired woman was feeding her young baby dinner. She was holding the spoon of baby food up to the baby's mouth, cooing at it and smiling.

But the would- be burglar was only worried about entry to the house. The house was modest, situated out in the country with no one else around. Despite this, he knew they had things worth stealing. He had been watching them for a while- they dressed fancy. They had money, he knew.

He rubbed his hands together gleefully. This may be the easiest robbery he had ever done. There was no guard dog, no servants, and the man had left an hour ago, leaving his young wife and child alone.

Stupid mistake.

After dark, once the inhabitants had gone to bed, he pulled the mask over his head, taking the pistol out of his pocket. He quietly unscrewed the window bolts and eased himself into the house.

He was in the kitchen, closing the window behind him, when he heard,

"Stop. I've got a gun."

He froze, cursing mentally. She must be a light sleeper.

"So you thought you could just break in here and rob us blind, aye?" said the women in a distinctly Glaswegian accent.

"Your man left you alone," he said, the first thought that came into his head.

Wrong thing to say. "Aye, I don't need any barking man to watch after me. I can take care of myself."

He hoped, _hoped_ she was bluffing. He turned around then, facing her. "Why! you don't have a gun at all-"

*clunk*

_What a strong arm she has_, he thought, just before he passed out.

Deryn stood in the kitchen in her dressing gown over the would-be robber. She looked at the kitchen utensil in her hand.

"Frying pans- who knew they could be so handy?" she mused aloud.

(sigh… and this one's too long too. Sorry. Who can resist the awesomeness of Tangled?)

**Explanations:**

**1.The Man Who Knew Too Little: okay, this movie has Bill Murray in it (practically ensuring hilarity). If you haven't seen it: it's about this clueless guy who does what he thinks is an impromptu theater drama thing where the participant gets thrown into the play with no lines or anything, and they just go with it. Kinda hard to explain :P anyways, the dude accidentally gets caught up in a REAL conspiracy against some ambassadors, and he thinks he is in the play the whole time. Confusing but hilarious. And the main character reminds me of Alek because he just never figures it out :D**

**2.Star Wars: you can add "and then Alek woke up" if this disturbs you too much :D sorry I just COULD NOT resist. It was too perfect. And if you don't know what scene in the movie I'm referring to... then... I have nothing to say to you. Just go watch the movie. **

**3.The Ultimate Gift: for those who haven't seen it, here's the main idea: this super rich (billionaire) old dude dies and leaves his fortune to his grandson, but wants to do it in a way that won't spoil him. So he leaves him gifts like "the gift of work" to teach him moral character before giving him the whole thing. Kinda cheesy but a good movie hehehe :D the quotes are from the movie but I changed them a wee bit. If I had quoted more accurately, it would have gone way over the 300-ish word limit.**

**4. Meet the Robinsons: theme of the movie is "keep moving forward." It is, appropriately enough, about another orphan like Alek. So there you go**

**5. Up!: just, go watch the movie. Even if you already have. And bring your kleenex. I sob every time I watch the movie. The couple in that movie remind me soooooo much of Alek and Deryn. My take on the scene, put in the Leviathan (sort of) universe.**

**6. Robots: yay another kid movie! :P I quoted close-ish to the movie (from memory, so forgive mistakes) but obviously put in Eddie Malone's name. This scene always makes me laugh**

**7. Twilight: do I really need to explain this one? I have no excuse. I have a weird mind ^_^. And I don't like Twilight (sorry)**

**8. Tangled: this movie is just so great! Does anyone else LOVE this movie? Anyways, the story is not really realistic, I just wanted to use the frying pan line :D**

**I OWN NOTHING. No characters, no quotes, nuthin'. Don't sue me. And I realize I modified the quotes… just go with it!**

**Reviews make me happy**


	4. Escapades of Eugene

**Titled:** 'The Escapades of Eugene'

**Alternatively titled**: 'The Real Reason I Have Writer's Block'

**Setting**: Alternate Universe I warned you all about in Chapter 7 of TLM

**Characters**: Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger/Weasley (whatever), Eugene Newkirk, Me (secretkeeper), Araina (my muse), other assorted filler characters

****warning** this is crack. Pure crack. And sort of crossover-ish. It doesn't make sense at first; just keep reading**

**And don't worry, it's a happy ending. :D**

Chapter 4 

Eugene Newkirk strutted about the spine of the Leviathan, feeling the wind whistling around his ears and generally feeling on top of the world. A sniffer ambled by, searching for tears in the skin, and Newkirk tried not to cringe. He still didn't like those unnatural beasties, even after three years aboard the Leviathan.

Suddenly, he felt a strange tugging in his stomach, jerking him sideways. Indeed, the whole ship was lurching about strangely in the air in a most unrealistic fashion.

Eugene fell to his knees, landing on the soft flesh of the huge beastie. He cradled his head in his hands, feeling a searing numbness spread through his whole body.

*SNUP*

He screamed as the Leviathan fell sharply downward, falling through space in seconds and landing with a bone-jarring thud against the ground.

Within a moment of landing he was sliding off the Leviathan, feeling the great creature… _deflate?_ below him.

He stumbled away from the wreckage, utterly shocked. He gasped for air, noticing for the first time how _colorless_ his surroundings were. The world was muted to greys and browns, like he had heard London was before Darwin's beasties.

"Well this is a barking terrible disaster." He noticed for the first time a girl standing near him. She was young, perhaps his age.

"Hi! I'm Araina, secretkeeper's muse." She stuck out her hand to him as though announcing herself to be someone's muse was a normal, every-day occurrence.

"Umm, hi, I guess." He peered closer at her and noticed that although she looked to be his age, the expression on her face was ageless, as though she had lived for a very long time and seen many indescribable things.

She sighed sadly, waving her hand at the scenery, at the dying beastie in front of her.

"She warned me this might happen."

"That what might happen?"

"Well, we've obviously been thrust in the alternate dimension in which Scott Westerfeld never wrote Leviathan, and thus… you don't exist."

"I-I'm sorry? What are you talking about?"

Suddenly he was surrounded by a crowd of people. He listened to snippets of their conversations with growing horror.

"Can't… make it…. much longer." Gasped out a nearby teenager, clomping along slowly.

"GAHH! The lack of amazing reading material is getting to me!" groaned another.

"Need. Steampunk. Now."

"My life is so depressing! I think I might die!"

On and on went the stream of people. They seemed to be coming from one direction behind Eugene. He turned around, noticing a strange shimmering in the air in the direction the Leviathan had come from.

The people- all ages, but mostly teenagers- were pouring out of the apparition, looking bewildered and miserable. One girl jerked through the- what _was_ it? Some sort of portal?- carrying a book. The book and the girl seemed to be glowing with yellow light- more color than anything else. The book cover had a boy and a girl on the front, and Eugene strained to read the title.

_Goliath_?

The book dissolved almost immediately after coming into view, leaving the girl the same dreary shade as everything else.

"Why do I hear sad theme music in the background?" he asked.

"Isn't it fitting?" What was _that_ supposed to mean? "This is a mess. I hope Secretkeeper can fix this soon; you seem to be fading as we speak."

Eugene looked down at himself. He was fading, turning see-through even as he watched. He glanced up at the Leviathan. The ship was compressing, flaking off in the wind, fading as he was.

"Barking spiders."

…

Meanwhile… (back in our universe)

The backyard is sunny, birds chirping merrily in the trees, contrasting sharply with the dreadful thing that just occurred. A dark haired, green-eyed girl is sitting in a lawn chair somewhere in America (hint: that's me) completely baffled.

One moment, she had been working on her story, written from Newkirk's point of view, with the help of her lovely muse, Araina, and then:

*SNUP*

Both Araina and her new chapter had simply disappeared with a sickening lurch, leaving the poor girl staring at a patch of shimmering air.

Weird.

And unfortunate. She couldn't remember a squick of the chapter she had just been writing. This was going to cause a delay in her story updates.

But she shook that head from her thoughts: she needed to be thinking about rescuing Araina! Where in the universe (or alternate universe) had she gone?

Alternate. Universe.

Crap. She had warned readers about this. But what had happened? She had certainly gotten plenty of reviews for her stories.

This was magic. Bad magic.

So she sends a message to the only people who can fix this.

…twenty minutes later…

The Golden Trio: Harry Potter, Hermione Granger/Weasley, and Ron Weasley have apparated into secretkeeper's backyard.

"Hi, y'all."

"Hi, secretkeeper!" (they didn't really call me that, but I'm not putting my name on the internet)

"So, what's the problem?" asked Ron, nervously.

"I dunno, this… thing just showed up here a few minutes ago, and it sucked my muse and the story I'm working on into itself. I have no clue where they went!"

"Ahem." *Ron shuffles feet, embarrassed* "I think I'm to blame for that."

Hermione rolls her eyes. "Ron was trying some hex- don't ask- that I _told_ him was worded wrong, but did he listen to me? Nooooooo." I'm really not surprised that Ron's spell went awry- who would be?

"The Ministry of Magic sent me and Hermione to fix this, her being good with spells, and me being an Auror and all," says Harry.

"And I just came to say sorry!"

"I just hope it can be fixed," says the girl (me), "if my suspicions are correct, my muse and my story are trapped in a barking _awful_ dimension."

"…"

"…"

"Barking?" asks Ron finally.

"Aye, sorry about that. I've been reading and writing this story for so long, I'm starting to talk in Deryn-speak."

"I think I'll just let that comment slide…" says Harry, even as Hermione pipes up.

"A book? Ooh, is it good? Can I read it?"

"A book. _Wonderful_," groans Ron.

I ignore him and turn to Hermione. "Sure! As soon as I get it back. It's a splendid story!"

Harry sighs, "All right, let's figure out how to undo Ron's stupidity and get your… muse… and story back."

"Thanks, guys."

For the next two hours, Hermione and Harry scratched their heads, puzzling over the problem. Ron stood nearby, shouting unhelpful suggestions and tripping over my dog every few minutes.

Finally, Hermione found the solution in one of her textbooks ("I knew _Advanced Traveling Studies for the Sightseeing Wizard and Witch- Portkeys, Apparating, and Other Traveling Devices_ would come in handy," she exclaimed, perusing a massive book she had pulled out of her charmed purse).

Araina was brought back- disheveled and shaken up, but safe.

"It was tricky, not only fishing you out," said Hermione to Araina, "but also getting all the Leviathan characters out as well. Sorry it took so long."

"That's all right. Newkirk got pretty scared though. The whole crew had almost ceased to be before you got us out of there. It was _terrible_!"

"Hey, I'm really really sorry," shouted Ron.

*sighing* Araina walked up to him, laying a hand on his shoulder. "It's okay, Ron. Just please don't try to invent your own hexes anymore. You're barking terrible at it."

**A/N: …and that is the real reason I get writer's block. Obviously. My muse gets stuck in another dimension! How am I supposed to write without her? So if I don't update for a loooooong time, this is probably what happened. Blame Ron.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter series. My name is not J.K. Rowling. I don't own any Leviathan characters either, Scott Westerfeld does.**

***Ahem* this was originally going to be an author's note, but it just GREW and GREW. So I made it its own chapter. Besides, this is a little to crack to put in The Last Mission, although a lot more fun to write.**

**...so... I write crack stories like this when I'm out of ideas. What do you guys do to get past writer's block?**

**And I am officially out of ideas for this drabble series. Prompts? I can't promise anything but I WILL try to write your story idea.**


	5. Apoplectic

Hello, lovely readers! Yes, I am working on my Newkirk story (yay Newkirk!) like promised, it's just coming a little slower than I thought. I'm thinking I'll start posting... maybe August? I hope so. Hopefully it will be worth the wait... if anyone's waiting... idk? Anyways, just drabbles until then :) Enjoy this little piece of fluffiness!

Disclaimer: nope, not Scott Westerfeld. I've told you this before

* * *

Deryn sat in her office, massaging her temples as she looked over the last few reports for the day. It was the spring of 1917, and the Great War was drawing to a close. At least, everyone hoped it was. No one could know for sure.

The report was written by Lilit, who was staying with the Society for a few month's respite after years of working with "frustrating, pompous, boring old dignitaries and their crazy schemes." She summarized the political and military maneuvers of the last month in her paper, which Deryn found disheartening, as the report numbered the total dead in the past year.

The paper wasn't in her official Society department. She was busy working with creature-fabricating boffins, something that she excelled at. But she liked to keep up with the general reports on the war, as the Society often had insider information that was not published in the local newspapers.

She looked up to a soft knock on her door to see Alek poking his head into her office and grinning at her. "Can I come in?"

"Of course, you daft prince." It amused her that he always knocked, even when her door was standing wide open. They had been in the Society for almost three years, and he had yet to lose his proper princely training. For Deryn, there was no knocking. She generally strode into his office whenever she felt like it, not that he ever complained. Alek worked in the public relations division, giving talks about Clanker and Darwinist unity and using himself as an example. It was funny, he never used to like attention, but now he was forced to give talks to many hundreds, sometimes thousands of people each week. He was slowly becoming more comfortable with his job.

"What are you reading?" He asked, settling his tall frame on the far corner of her desk and picking up the report she had been reading.

"Lilit's report," she said, watching him out of the corner of her eyes.

His face grew solemn. "What a costly war." She knew he was speaking of the death count.

He turned sad green eyes to her and said "My family and our squabbles..."

She sighed, frustrated. "Alek, you can't blame yourself for the war. This isn't your fault."

"But if I hadn't been born-"

She let out a groan and dropped her head onto the desk in front of her. "We've talked about this before, Alek. You can't go blaming yourself for-"

"I'm sorry. I won't say it again. Just this war, these deaths..."

She turned her head to the side and looked up at him. She grabbed his right hand and traced her fingers over his knuckles. "Let's talk about something else."

There was silence in the room for a moment, then Alek said. "Did you see the date?"

She must have looked confused because he pushed a newspaper, date in the heading, towards her. She read the top, then realized what he was saying. She sat up and cocked her head at him, smiling. "Do you have any ideas?"

He grinned. "Maybe."

She smirked. "Sounds wonderful."

* * *

Volger strode confidently down the hallway. Not that he had any reason to look so regal, he had simply learned from past experience that it was good to walk as though you were on a mission. People were less likely to question your leadership if you looked like you had somewhere to go.

He half-heartedly nodded to the boffins who waved at him. He was still uneasy among all the science folk who surrounded him all the time at the Society. At first he had scoffed at the whole lot of them, saying that the men in the Society were pompous, useless science-y fools who were too scared to truly fight in the war.

And then, as the years had gone by, he was forced to admit that the men and women within the Society were rather different than he had imagined them. He watched Dr. Barlow- such an admirable woman, really- and others on missions of diplomacy and inventing new war creatures. It took a great deal of courage to be around those godless beasts all day, not to mention the powerful politicians they were sent to negotiate with. He really didn't know which was worse.

Dr. Barlow. Truly, she was remarkable. He let his mind wander for a moment on this train of thought, then pulled himself up in annoyance. Alan Barlow had just given him a cheery wave, which Volger returned with even less enthusiasm than he had shown to the other boffins.

He glowered after passing the man. And what a bookish, mousy man he was! However, Dr. Barlow seemed content with her marriage, and the youngest Barlow child, Andrew, had been born last September. Volger found this a rather intolerable thought to dwell on.

He rounded the corner on the first floor of the main Society building- the one where the boffins gave lectures and such to the general public- and found himself looking at the backs of his young charges, Ms. Sharp and Aleksander Hohenberg. They were standing perhaps twenty feet away and engaged in urgent and animated conversation. Lilit, daughter of the late revolutionary Zaven, was standing a few feet behind them, facing him and approaching the young couple. A fleeting image, Alek seated on the throne of Austria-hungary, flitted through his mind and then was dispelled.

Volger was no fool. He could see how real of a love both young people felt for each other. It showed in their eyes, in the way they moved their hands, how they leaved towards each other when they talked. He had mostly reconciled himself to their relationship, though he had had some concerns recently about... unchaperoned activities.

He saw Lilit's eyes flick towards him, then towards Alek and Deryn. She shifted the camera that hung around her neck that was supposedly given her by some admirer.

Volger approached the pair from behind, and nearly fainted when he heard the topic of their conversation.

Deryn was leaning in close to Alek, saying in a low voice that could barely contain her anxiety, "Alek, have you thought about how much this is going to cost?"

"Deryn, liebe, with the salaries the Society is paying us now-"

"And I'll have to start wearing skirts again! And even with the bigger salaries, buying baby clothes is expensive-" she placed her hand on her stomach meaningfully.

Volger managed not to faint, but he could not mask the choking noise that involuntarily emanated from his throat at this last sentence.

"WHAT?" He all but roared.

Both young people spun around, and Deryn's lips pressed into a thin, scared line, and Alek's face turned red.

"C-count V-Volger..." he stuttered.

"Did you just say what I think you said?" he demanded of Deryn.

Alek moved in front of her protectively, palms up and facing Volger. "Volger, let me explain-"

"I expected better of you, Alek. I would expect this of a dirty, common peasant," he glared at Deryn, "but you were raised better."

Deryn looked indignant. "Now that's going a bit far-"

But Volger wasn't listening. He had not dedicated the last twenty years of his life to have his charge throw it all away- a child, out of wedlock! He was beyond angry. He was apoplectic. He was-

FLASH!

He blinked to clear his eyes ad found that Lilit's camera was on level with his face, which was a hard feat because she was laughing so hard she was practically doubled over. He stared at her in confusion and annoyance, fighting the urge to smash her camera into the carpet.

"I'm sorry. You just needed," here she stopped for breath, "to see your face." She doubled over in giggles again. "I've never seen anything so funny."

Volger glanced over at Alek and noted that the young man's face was red not from embarrassment, but from suppressed laughter. Deryn's eyes twinkled merrily. Volger suddenly realized that Lilit's camera adjusting maneuver had been some sort of signal to the couple, but for what...

"What?" He had lost the anger that had fueled his voice before, and he found he had to lean against the wall for support. He was so confused.

Lilit snapped another picture of him and grinned cheekily. She looked over to Alek and Deryn, who were grinning too. "Alright, let's go see if we can do it to Dr. Barlow next! That was the funniest thing!"

Alek through an arm around Deryn's shoulder - he was taller than her now, a miracle- and the three friends headed back down the hallway in the direction Volger had come from.

Volger was still slouched against a wall, shocked from the surprising amount of anger, then confusion, that he had just subjected himself too. He was used to the first emotion, but the second was more foreign to him, as he was usually the one conspiring, and not the other way around.

Deryn turned around in Alek's half-embrace and waved at him.

"April fools!"

* * *

"IT'S SO FLUFFY I'M GONNA DIE!" (kudos if you know the movie)

And yes, I know it isn't anywhere near April Fools Day, but watch me not care. I've been singing Christmas carols all month too.

I've actually had different versions of this idea in my head for a while, I just got inspired to finally type it up when I read the third chapter of "Ways to Annoy the Crew of the Leviathan" by Zmusic2014. I also really wanted to use the word 'apoplectic' because it's fun to say!

Umm, so I couldn't think of a good chapter title for this. Anyone have any ideas?

Oh, yes, please review if you enjoyed :) I have no clue if people actually read this series...


	6. Boyfriend

**A/N: **

**I own nothing, not the song, nor the characters. John Knight was a name pulled out of nowhere. **

If you like Justin Bieber, don't read

Deryn was perhaps the last girl on this planet to be won over by someone singing the song "Boyfriend" to her. Apparently John did not know this, considering that he was up on stage, dedicating the song he was currently singing to her.

_If I was your boyfriend, I'd never let you go  
I can take you places you ain't never been before  
Baby, take a chance or you'll never ever know  
I got money in my hands that I'd really like to blow  
Swag, swag, swag, on you  
Chillin' by the fire while we eatin' fondue  
I don't know about me but I know about you  
So say hello to falsetto in three, two, swag_

(A/N: Everything between lyrics is flashback, starting now)

Deryn sat in the bar, the colored lights washing over her. The smell of too many humans in too small a space assaulted her and made her wrinkle her nose. She scanned the room for Alek- he'd gone for a drink a few minutes ago. They had just finished a particularly hard mission earlier that afternoon, and Dr. Barlow had given them the night off.

Newkirk was with them too, on temporary leave from the Leviathan.

Sighing, she leaned against the wall as she twisted the empty, sparkling glass in her hands. She wished something would happen. She scanned the room again, and grinned when she spotted Newkirk. He wasn't exactly the awkward, acne-faced boy he had been when they'd first met, but he still didn't have a clue how to relate to girls. At all. He was attempting to chat up an excessively bored-looking pretty girl over in the corner. Deryn resisted the urge to laugh out loud.

She really did laugh when she finally spotted Alek.

He was cornered by three girls, all who were fawning over him. Batting eyelashes, fake laughs, and hair-flipping were all employed in attempts to lead him onto the dance floor. Deryn wasn't worried; she knew they weren't his type. After all, he'd fallen for her, right? The little incident with Lilit had taught her that Alek wasn't going to be pursuing anyone else behind her back.

And, really, the expression on his face as he tried to disentangle himself from the three girls was priceless.

Red faced and stuttering, with one girl clinging to his arm, another offering to do... something... (Deryn didn't really want to know) and another girl was tugging his arm towards the dance floor. She thought about rescuing him, but the next moment, a (tall) person blocked her view.

_I'd like to be everything you want  
Hey girl, let me talk to you_

"Hi beautiful."

Annoyed at the interruption of her viewing fun, she huffed and looked the person in the face.

It was a boy... or perhaps man, probably the same age as her. She had to admit to herself that he was attractive, in a pretty-boy, well-kept, pampered sort of way.

"You talking to me?" she asked, one eyebrow raised. She had never considered herself beautiful; indeed, she never thought that anyone besides Alek (and she was still a little skeptical on his truthfulness) saw her as attractive.

"Well I certainly wasn't talking to him," said the boy-man, nodding his to the bartender, behind her, who looked only slightly annoyed.

"Aye, I'd be concerned if you were." Considering the man behind the bar was in his fifties, with a large, shiny bald patch atop his head and tufts of hair growing out of his ears.

She turned away, already bored with the conversation.

_If I was your boyfriend, never let you go  
Keep you on my arm girl, you'd never be alone  
I can be a gentleman, anything you want  
If I was your boyfriend, I'd never let you go, I'd never let you go_

"I'm John." He thrust his hand out at her, giving a well-practiced grin. Deryn supposed it was one that other girls would find handsome, and guessed that he had wooed more than a few with his charming ways and good looks.

She shook his hand like a soldier might, turning once again to the scene before her. A fourth girl had joined the three around Alek, and he was looking hopelessly, endearing at loss.

_Tell me what you like yeah tell me what you don't  
I could be your Buzz Lightyear, fly across the globe  
I don't ever wanna fight yeah, you already know  
Imma make you shine bright like you're laying in the snow  
Burr  
Girlfriend, girlfriend, you could be my girlfriend  
You could be my girlfriend until the w-w-world ends  
Make you dance do a spin and a twirl and  
Voice goin crazy on this hook like a whirlwind  
Swaggie_

"John _Knight_," said the persistent man beside her.

"Pleased to make your acquaintance." Deryn prided herself that only a little of her annoyance colored her voice. Truly, more than a famous name would be needed to interest her in this boring conversation.

_I'd like to be everything you want  
Hey girl, let me talk to you_

He searched her face for a moment, then said, "Do you know who I am?"

"Aye, John Knight, the well-known singer. Did you need something?"

"Well, I did expect more of a reaction. Usually girls are fawning all over me once they know my name."

"You came over here to be fawned over?" Deryn really could not keep her voice neutral this time. "Those girls over there look like they would love to take that role. I'm certainly not going to." She nodded to the group around Alek.

"Actually, they look a little occupied right now. And you're wrong, I find your lack of fawning... refreshing. I'm hoping that you might actually be a girl with a brain."

Feeling insulted (he thought he could just pick and choose his girls, did he?) and that he would get the wrong impression if she continued to talk to him, she made to leave. "Sod off."

_If I was your boyfriend, I'd never let you go  
Keep you on my arm girl, you'd never be alone  
I can be a gentleman, anything you want  
If I was your boyfriend, I'd never let you go, I'd never let you go_

"Wait!" He yelled, "I- I didn't mean to insult you, I just want to talk..." She glared at him.

"I don't even know your name."

"Deryn."

He waited for her last name, but when it was not forthcoming, he sighed. "Is that your boyfriend?" He indicated Alek, whom she had been glancing at throughout the entire conversation.

"Sort of."

"He's one stupid sod to leave you standing here like that." He gave her a lop-sided grin. "You should go out with me instead."

Deryn chose to ignore the second part of that. "Yes well, he was going to get me a drink, but he got ambushed on the way back."

"You don't seem very concerned."

She shot him a glare, but didn't say anything.

_So give me a chance, 'cause you're all I need girl  
Spend a week with your boy I'll be calling you my girlfriend  
If I was your man (If I was your man), I'd never leave you girl  
I just want to love and treat you right_

He flipped his hair out of his eyes in that annoying way that boys seemed to do recently, and said "How'd you two meet?"

"Aboard the Leviathan."

He seemed a little surprised at this. "Were you a soldier? You stand like one. Don't tell me you're _that_ Deryn."

"Aye, so you've heard of me."

"You're a huge hit in America. The press there is all on your side. I think you're great."

"Flattery won't get you anywhere."

"I beg to differ. All girls love flattery."

She was definitely annoyed now. "That's the stupidest thing I've ever barking heard. Besides, politics is mostly flattery anyways. One country's diplomats trying to coerce another into some scheme or other. You can't say only girls love flattery."

"I didn't. And you didn't deny it either." She shot him a glare. "Besides, about the politics..."

And so their conversation went. They talked about politics, the Leviathan, even touching into physics and aerodynamics and life threads. Deryn was rather surprised that a singer would have such an in-depth knowledge over the topics. However, she would have enjoyed the conversation much more if he didn't make so many pointed comments about girls in general.

It reminded her of her and Alek's conversation and arm wrestling that led to him wearing a dress to the gala...

She grinned at the remembrance. John looked at her strangely. "You're not letting me actually win this argument, are you?" He asked, surprised.

"What? No! I was just... thinking about something."

"Well I still think that the boffins' place in society is entirely overrated-"

"Deryn." It was Alek. It seemed he had finally broken away from his entourage of girls, though Deryn could see them standing dejectedly in a corner. She had no doubt that they would find a new victim soon.

"Oh! John Knight, this is Aleksander of Hohenburg, former prince of Austria-Hungary." She said in response to his enquiring looks. The two men shook hands, each trying to crush the other's hand as they glared at the other.

She suddenly realized how she and John had been sitting, leaning close to each other as they used their hands animatedly to argue. She stepped closer to Alek, breathing in his scent and tilting her head (up) at him. "Did you have fun over there?" She indicated the girls.

Alek merely grunted as he pulled her closer.

John suddenly looked slightly uncomfortable. Then he grinned and pulled Deryn into an unexpected hug. "You should think about what I said, about going out with me instead of him." He nodded at Alek, who looked completely flabbergasted.

He winked at Deryn, "Nice meeting you."

John ignored Alek and strode up to the stage at the front of the bar. He leaned down and spoke something in the bartender's ear on the way up.

He leaped up to the top of the stage, and cleared his throat loudly to get the attention of the room. "Hi everyone. How's it going?"

Several of the girls screamed a little, and everyone cheered upon recognizing John. Some of the bar patrons came and sat down in the chairs in front of the stage.

"I'm going to sing a song, is that alright with everyone?" More screaming. "Alright, this is for a girl. A beautiful, funny, smart girl I met tonight." Several girls gasped, hoping that he was talking about them.

"This one's for Deryn."

The music started up as Deryn felt Alek stiffen by her side.

"Alek, I have no idea why he's..."

_If I was your boyfriend (boyfriend), never let you go  
Keep you on my arm girl, you'd never be alone (never be alone)  
I can be a gentleman (gentleman), anything you want  
If I was your boyfriend (boyfriend), I'd never let you go, never let you go_

By the time the song was over, both Deryn and Alek were clutching each other, doubled over laughing.

As they left the bar, hands held and swinging freely between them, Alek said, "Apparently he doesn't know you very well, if he thinks he can impress you with that…"

Deryn grinned and gave him a kiss. "I like you much better."

**A/N:** **So, in case you were confused, the beginning and end are "real time" as is the lyrics, but everything between the lyrics is a flashback, leading up to the beginning/end events. Yepp… confusing. So sorry :/**

**I was originally going to have Justin Bieber serenade Deryn (LOL) but the FFnet guidelines say that I can only write about fictional or historical characters…. Poo. So it's some random guy instead. **

**It can either be current day steam punk-ness or Leviathan timeline… you can pick. There's problems with either so hopefully no one's overanalyzing this completely crack excuse-for-literature.**

**Reviews would be marvelous. And I promise to, eventually, get around to posting that Newkirk story (which is shaping up to be very interesting) but, *cough cough* reviews would DEFINITELY speed up the process...**


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